tigerpants's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once again, it's all about me. It turns out I�m way too self-absorbed to think about Hurricane Katrina for too long. I mean, it�s completely awful, and I can�t even begin to absorb the entire tragedy, so be sure to head over to the Red Cross website and give. I had a moment last week where I actually thought about loading up my car with water and driving out, but then I remembered none of the roads are passable, and really, I�m not the best person for the job, so I�ll give to the Red Cross, and hopefully, they�ll handle it. Now, I mean. Since no one was really handling it last week. Which is a whole other story. Anyway, back to me. I�ve been pondering this move to New York for some time now. Well, some sort of move, anyway. I was originally talking about moving to Atlanta. That was a good year ago. But then a friend of mine started talking about New York as an alternative, and that put the idea in my head. That friend is already there, and while her new job isn�t going exactly the way she�d hoped, I think she�s really pleased about the move in general. But, yeah, this was supposed to be about me. I feel like I�ve thought this thing to death, and I haven�t gotten any closer to making a real, solid decision. I go back and forth several times a day. Yes, it�ll be great! Let�s go! Can�t be any worse than here! But then, I remember it can, and I come back down to earth. I do feel like I�ve given this a metric ton of thought. But I also know that I tend to get excited about something, and I don�t always see the end result as clearly as I should, because I get bogged down in minor details. I worry that�s what�s happening now. I�m making all these lists of what to sell and what to keep, and in what order I should be doing all these move things, but honestly, I�m not 110% certain it�s the right time. That it�s what I want to do. I mean, I think it is. I know I�m ready for a change, and I don�t mean the type of change you get when you move to a new apartment. I�ve been here for just over 7 years, and I do feel like I�m ready to move on. But is NY the answer? And can I ever know before I get there? What if it�s the wrong decision? What if I can�t find a job? What if it turns out I�m really, really bad at what I�ve been doing for years, and no one but my current company will ever hire me? What if I can�t afford to live there? What if I have to live there in the same sort of sad-sack apartment that I live in now, forever? What�s the point of spending all that money to move, if it�s just going to be the same thing? Ugh. See? This is what I think about daily. These are the thoughts that plague me. This is why I can�t come to a decision. Deep down, I know I can�t quite afford it. I mean, I could work it out. I�d be ok. Not great, but ok. But again, I�d be living under about the same conditions I am here, until I found more work. And heaven knows how long that would take. Sigh. So, anyway, I just don�t know what to do. I feel like if I�m thinking about it this much then maybe now is not the right time. But also, I know rationally that no one can make that decision for me, and that now is as good a time as any. I have a support system there. I know people. I have skills to sell this time, as opposed to the last time I made a cross-country move. I have very little in the way of possessions, and the longer I stay here the more I�m going to accumulate. My current job will be ending in a couple weeks. My roommate�s got a friend staying with us indefinitely until she finds a place to stay. She could, in theory, take over my room, so that my roommate wouldn�t be left high and dry with the rent. So, it�s also possible that I�m completely thick, and the universe is throwing as many signs at me as possible, and I�m too wrapped up in myself to see them. It wouldn�t be the first time that happened. But, man. It�s a terrifying decision, to agree to spend all that money on something so risky. Seriously, what if I can�t find a job? What if my first winter in NY makes me cry every day, and I can�t take it? Could I be a bigger drama queen? Probably not. I hate the idea of pinning all my hopes on this move that I can�t quite afford. But I also hate the idea of being here for the rest of my life, living in this same apartment and working at the same awful job forever. I don�t have a ton of friends here, so I don�t have a ton of things to do every weekend, and my mom likes to assure me that people always replicate their relationships, so there�s a very good chance that I�ll move to NY and stay home every weekend there, too. Thanks for that, Mom. That�s helpful. Except not. So, yeah, anyway. That�s my drama for now. I�m indescribably indecisive. I have no idea what to do. I can�t imagine spending all that money to move and then having it not be as great as I hoped. But I won�t know til I get there. Quite a dilemma, no? At least I still have a roof over my head. Get your ass over to the Red Cross website and give til it hurts. They send you a nice thank-you note when you donate. It�s swell. � 2004-2005 Tigerpants Nation (Rebecca Gross) 11:41 p.m. - 2005-09-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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